Feeling Complexities

I miss you, it’s hard to write about. I feel scattered with all of my feelings and I don’t know if I have the words or ability to convey that. I’ve come across photos of you or of the two of us on my laptop, sometimes I smile for a moment at the memories. If the feelings were simple I feel like I could convey them easier. Simple would be – I miss you because I loved you, and now we aren’t together, it makes me sad. It’s much more complex than that, a lot of our memories are tainted, there were so many lies. I don’t know, and I’ll never know, what exactly was the truth. I sometimes write, often at night, when I’m so sad I can no longer handle it. At the end of pouring things out on paper I find a brief relief, it lasts long enough that I can fall asleep.

I feel guilt for breaking apart our family, my rational mind knows that’s insane because of everything you did. I feel guilt for hurting you, my rational mind again tries to remind me why that’s ludicrous. I feel guilt for taking our two dogs, I know you loved them very much. I feel guilt for not forcing you to step up to be a better person in our relationship. I feel like I should’ve gone to battle for things that I did not. I feel guilt for wanting things easier. I feel guilt for the pain you have caused our friends and families. I feel guilt for breaking my marriage vows, going back on something I swore I never would.

I feel lonely because you were a part of my life for so long. I was only 18 when we met and you were a constant in my world since then. I’m away from home right now and sometimes I think about what it will be like when I come back. You won’t be there, smiling at me when I walk in the door. There is no door to walk in because we’ve sold our beautiful home. I won’t ever tell you about any adventures I’ve had on my trip because we’ll never have that conversation. I don’t come back at the end of my day and discuss it with you. A tough truth is that I’ve never lived alone, I left my parents house with you and we began our journey together.

I feel sadness, I feel like sadness coils around my energy and taints it. Like it’s there all the time in spite of  anything I’m thinking or doing. This feeling is almost easier to understand that the others. It just is.

I feel ashamed that my marriage didn’t work, even more so because of being under 30 years old. At times people are sympathetic, other times I feel they are judging me for it. I get the impression from some older people who don’t know me that they likely think I just threw in the towel too early. I usually choose not to get into why I had to leave my husband with people I don’t know, and take my word for it, most people don’t have the time for the full story.

I feel angry. These feelings all seem to rotate and anger gets weighed down at the bottom of the rest. It shouldn’t, but the others are still too strong. I know it’s there because sometimes it pokes through and I lash out randomly at people or things seemingly out of nowhere. When anger does come up to the surface, it’s dangerous and I can’t control it. It’s not just anger, it’s f*cking hatred towards you. I’m glad you’re sad and hurting, you deserve to be alone or with someone who’s as much of a f*cking liar as you are. You deserved everything that happened to you, the world should know what a f*cking coward you are. I might be keeping it at the bottom on purpose because I don’t know how I’ll handle it when it’s a constant at the top.

 

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