It took me a long time to learn some of the life lessons I have as of today. Maybe longer than others but I also know some people who will never understand some of these realizations the way I do now. At a younger age I surrounded myself with some not so great people. Outwardly, they were fun, easy to hang out with and seemingly very nice. This was one of the lessons, those descriptors do not mean that someone is a genuine person or a good hearted person. Anyone can be nice and fun to hang out with but they may be poisonous on the inside. As I got older I realized that not only were a lot of these people not who I thought they were but they were bad for my health. In fact, a couple of the nicest, most seemingly kind-hearted people turned out to be some of the worst people I have ever known up to this point. These people are extremely dangerous because it can take so long to see what they truly are. It may not be until they do something purposefully hurtful for manipulation, to gain power or for a twisted self fulfilment that you see the snakes that they are.
I talked to my husband a lot about these feelings as I struggled with things not being how I thought they were. It was so important to me that he understand that I was now seeing things for how they were in our lives. In talking to him I would pour my heart out, very emotionally, trying to convey to him the truths I felt I now knew. My husband didn’t listen to me, not really, never in the way I wanted him to. He didn’t want to really hear what I was saying because it meant a different way of being for us (and in hindsight it meant I may get too close to his dark truths). He would sometimes tell me I was just being emotional or that I was wishy-washy at times with some of these feelings (this was somewhat true as I was still trying to figure out what everything meant and unsure at times). As my resolve grew and I continued to understand aspects of how people could be I would talk about it more and more. It was a huge part of not only my personal life but my work life as well. One evening approximately 3 years ago my husband and I were sitting on a white leather couch in our sunroom. I had a thought that had been eating at my mind, as much as I tried to push it away, it wouldn’t leave. I expressed to my husband that I had a fear. The fear was that if he did not come to understand how I had been feeling about things that our marriage would not last. I cried and said I knew (I.knew.) that if we did not get on the same page we would inevitably end up getting a divorce. The tears poured down my face, it was so painful to say out loud because I really believed it. Some of the things I was saying to him seemed (and still may seem) abstract but I believed in them. He said I was wrong, he said people could have conflicting opinions or feelings about things and still agree to look past them and be together. His belief was people in marriages have differences of opinion all the time. I could not get across that to me this wasn’t just an opinion, it was a knowing that was becoming a huge part of who I was. We finished the conversation in a better place but I could not shake the feeling that in a big way, he still didn’t understand. Looking back at this moment and moments prior everything is very clear. We continued to grow further apart in this respect and in my learning to understand myself, people and life I missed truly understanding the person closest to me. I missed the person sleeping in my bed every night. My husband was one of these people, incredibly smart, manipulative and pathological. I had unknowingly put blinders up to ensure I wouldn’t see that in him. That’s the thing about snakes, they bite when you don’t expect it and the poison can almost kill you.