Being removed from my marriage and now looking back on the past, I disregarded strong feelings I had during certain moments. I didn’t feel that way at the time but that’s of course why hindsight is 20/20. My husband had a re-curring problem with lying very early on in our 10 year relationship together. There were lies about so many different things, it took me a long time to put together that lying was even the main issue. Even when I did figure that out, I thought, as a lot of us do, that it could be fixed. I could of never imagined how intense and dangerous the lying would get.
What stands out now about some of the lies now is how far he took it; conversations, scenarios and people were fabricated at times. If I pushed back hard for the truth with only my intuition as proof I was ‘crazy.’ If my intuition was a person, her and my husband would’ve hated each other. It turns out my intuition, gut feeling, whatever you prefer to call it had my back the whole time. It was like my inner self knew exactly what the future held and she tried to make it clear to me. Unfortunately I didn’t listen to her. Mainly as a fault of my own and also with some influence from my husband, I dismissed my intuition as me being irrational or just overthinking. Even though I didn’t respect what she had to say, intuition never left my side. She was there all through my relationship and stood up with me on our wedding day. I felt her as something very small and very dark inside me on the day of our wedding. I loved my husband but this was something like the equivalent of dread, like a premonition. It was buried very deep, underneath nervousness and excitement and everything else that comes with a wedding, but it was there. I knew it then even though I pushed it away and now I know it more than ever. Intuition was also there when I legally changed my last name, I felt her trying to tell me I would regret this decision later on.
We’re all told to trust our gut, what doesn’t come up is how difficult that can be at times. Intuition sometimes seems like a crazy b*tch. You can feel her there but she’s not always in line with outside factors. Your mind, media and people in your life might not be on the same page as your intuition. In my current life phase I’m at a complete loss with questions I so readily had the answers to before. I have nothing to lose so trusting intuition seems easier now. I work with intuition and I give her a front seat more often (even if it means moving my mind to the backseat temporarily). I like to think of her as a force, a strong partner in crime who knows what the future holds. I like our new relationship, I appreciate her more than ever and I’m thankful she’s around. I have to trust that working together is the only way we’ll get where we’re going.