As August draws nearer it always makes me think of September. Not a great habit but I think it’s ingrained way back from elementary school. It’s during August that everyone starts talking about ‘back to school’ and stores start coming out with all their new school gear. This timing reminds me I have a deadline looming.
I inevitably have to leave California and head back home to Canada soon. I’ve of course known this for months, but as always, time flies by before you’ve even noticed it’s passed. I love it here in San Diego for a multitude of reasons. I love the ocean being next to me everyday, I love the sun shining more than not. I love the attitude of people here, their laid-back and friendly nature is something I aspire to be more in line with. I love the food (so many incredible Mexican restaurants) and I love the experiences available here. In comparison, the thought of going back home to no actual home, no ocean and no life the way I once knew it makes me feel bitter. While I miss the familiarity of the town I grew up in, it now feels tainted in a way it never did. I have memories there from my entire life but the last 10 years consist mainly of memories involving my ex husband. I’m not sure where I’m going to live, or what I’m going to do with my life moving forward and those thoughts leave me unsettled. More worrisome still, I’m not sure how to be there anymore as the person I am now and as the person I’m becoming.
My intuition tells me it will be alright in the end, as I’ve previously written I am indebted to her and trying to always pay more attention to what she has to say (Intuition – Your Partner in Crime). At the same time, I know it won’t be easy going back. I have a lot to contend with. It’s scares me, the unknown. I like control and certainty but that’s not an option right now. It’s times like these I wish I could see the far future, I wish I could see me reading back on this at a place in my life where my divorce is in the past and it’s not a main theme of my life anymore. I hope that my future self looks back on this and thinks ‘wow, if only she knew how it goes from here.’