One of the most difficult parts of this process is that is it not linear, it’s more like an extremely jagged line. It’s not like when you have a cold and you get a little better everyday (at least I don’t feel that way). There are different challenges that arise, often unexpectedly. While I’m still away from home, out in San Diego, I’ll periodically speak with friends back in Ontario, Canada. It’s surreal because I almost feel worlds away from them. While speaking with a friend last week on the phone she said something that made me feel sick. I haven’t detailed all of the things my ex husband did because I have not yet felt fully ready to do so. You’ll have to take my word for it that it was catastrophic, he lied about things that monumentally affected me as well as other people very close to us. The friend I was speaking with said that people were pretty much ‘over’ what he had done. That things had calmed down and his friends had ‘gotten past it.’ I thought about this for a long, long time after the phone call ended.
I don’t believe my ex husband has changed since everything that happened. His deception throughout our marriage should make others in his life question how close they want to get to him. If someone can do that to a person they love and others very close to them, they can do it to anybody, they will do it to anybody. I am aware of all of the realities of this situation that should bring me comfort. I know I’ll be better off ultimately in my life without him, I know I’ve made the right decision, I know eventually I won’t hurt over it anymore, I get it. Still, it makes me furious that people can just ‘get past’ someone being that way and use avoidance and denial to keep them in their lives. Talk about feeling worlds away, I could never make some of these people understand what I now do so deeply.
I feel betrayed and angry. The reality is that everyone affected by my ex-husbands actions will get over things long before I will. Friends or family who were hurt by him will eventually recover, or already have, and it won’t even be something people bring up anymore. My healing process will inevitably be longer and more difficult. I know the tides have shifted, life as everyone knows it, is of course moving forward. This was always a journey I had to take on my own.
“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” ~ Maya Angelou