The ‘Last’ Post

I’m approaching my last day in San Diego before I start making my way back to Canada (more on this later, I’m not headed right home just yet). My last day in San Diego, after all this time here, is a big ‘last’ for me on my own. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, thinking about ‘lasts’ a lot. It makes me re-think all of the lasts I had with my ex before the split. We did everything together in our lives for 10 years, it’s difficult not to bring thoughts of him to my mind. I don’t know if I think it’s ultimately better to know something is a last so you can savour it or not know so you can just enjoy it as you normally would. The weeks after I officially left my husband brought to mind many lasts. Everything feel apart quickly and the last times for everything between us kept playing through my head. I still loved him very much then and a part of me still loves him now. The last time we held each other I would not of know that truth would soon be coming that would shatter the world I thought we had created. Would I of held on longer if I did? The thought that I didn’t know our last kiss was our last still knocks the wind out of me when I think about it. It likely would of been the type of kiss we had a thousand times over, it wouldn’t of been any different. Our lips would of touched, even briefly, we both would of smiled after and looked at one another. Everything we would do together in the weeks leading up to our split would be lasts. We weren’t supposed to have lasts for another 60+ years…

Our last kiss.

Our last hug.

Our last sleep together.

Our last time having sex.

Our last walk.

Our last fight.

Our last laugh.

Our last car ride.

Our last date.

Our last movie.

Our last breakfast.

Our last phone conversation.

Our last time sitting on the couch.

Our last BBQ.

Our last dance.

Our last talk.

Our last holiday.

Our last time as a family with our dogs, our last time smiling and happy together.

I still think about the lasts, they eat away at me when I do. I can’t remember all of them in detail which is maybe for the best. We had another last only a couple of months ago, our official 4 year wedding anniversary. We don’t speak, so of course there was no interaction on this day. I felt heavy and anxious for this last anniversary to end, another ‘last’ now gone by.

We’ll have one more big last together, him and I. Our official divorce will be in a couple of months, prior to that we’ll have our very last day of being married. This blog post will mark another last for me personally. As my leaving San Diego approaches – and yet another new chapter begins – it will be the last time I get caught up thinking about, or write about, our lasts as a couple. I will put them away and leave them in the past, somewhere behind me, where they belong. My one and only ‘last’ post.

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