Goodbye California – ‘I’m Your Biggest Fan’

I’ve left San Diego and returned to Canada. I spent my last night in California in a dreamlike place. A hot spring in the middle of the desert, surrounded by a group of people I didn’t know from all across the country. After sunset the sky slowly darkened and more stars appeared then I had seen in several months being in the city areas. I sipped a beer (a local 805 for those who know it) and thought about the past four months. It felt like I had just arrived in California, yet a part of me also felt comfortable with the knowing that it was time for me to go.

After a separation your brain goes into self-preservation mode. You do things you wouldn’t normally, you’re short-sighted, selfish and defensive towards others. It was difficult to see past this when meeting new people – was so and so being offensive towards me or was I being too sensitive? I know that being able to acknowledge this happening in my mind eventually made it easier for me. It’s so important to put yourself out there when you’re feeling lonely. It doesn’t mean baring your soul to everyone you meet but keeping your heart and mind open to who you’re meeting and how it might go.

I met some incredible people. I met people with good energy and people with good hearts – truly, without question. They exist, despite thoughts I had that perhaps they did not. It was an eye opener for me, I really had just chosen my people un-wisely in the past (not all my people, but some past friends and my ex husband being the obvious). I will make different choices in the future for myself. We forget on the daily but the world is huge, I only travelled within North America and with that I’m still reminded of this. It is larger than your daily circle and larger than how you do things as an individual. People carry such a beautiful variety of opinions and ideas and knowledge. It’s a humbling reminder. Every single person that I crossed paths with on this trip, even those who offered just a smile or a brief ‘hello’ will be forever etched in my mind. California was an integral part of my healing process. I still have so far to go but this crucial first step has shown me – and will no doubt continue to show me – things I needed to see.

I want to take this with me forever into my future, this knowledge and this knowing. I’m excited for life to continue moving forward though I still have no idea what that means. I’ve had something bad happen but god am I ever f*cking lucky. There has to be special things coming, more pieces to the puzzle.

Thank you California. Whether I see you again soon or not for years to come, you’ll always be part of the thread that has sewn my broken heart back together.

“California, I’m coming home, oh will you take me as I am?” – Joni Mitchell 

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